No More Mr. Nice Guy

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Glover’s causal model is, in a nutshell, that all children experience abandonment (at some point or other, and likely frequently, some need they have is not met “in a timely way” or at all; which is a truism for all human children), abandonment always causes children to develop an ego-centric causal explanation for it (because “all” children, he says, are “ego-centric”), and therefore children “always” (sic) blame themselves for it (“they” did something wrong; or there must be something wrong “with them”), and this leads to “toxic shame,” which Glover says “is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable.

Even by his own proposed model and evidence, it is the ignoring of women’s actual concerns and complaints that causes the problem psychology that Glover is trying to fix. And he even makes reference to the fallacy of black and white thinking (without naming it), pointing out that a major problem trapping men in the Nice Guy Paradigm is their inability to comprehend any other way of being than either Nice or Not-Nice. If a woman says he is “wrong” or thinks he is a"jerk," a nice guy will be inclined to believe she's right. g. our propensity for violence or bulldozing consent, our cultural tendency toward selfishness and arrogance, a too-common indifference or obliviousness to the feelings or plight of others, and a general lack of, even resistance to building, our emotional intelligence—which are all real problems men have not adequately dealt with culturally) and what these guys misperceive as what society is telling them is dangerous and unsafe about men (e.I can come up with an answer (see The Real Basis of a Moral World and Your Own Moral Reasoning: Some Things to Consider); but Glover never goes into it. Nice Guys are over-attentive; or always absent; are propelled by conscious shame; or else by unconscious shame. Some of Glover’s wild speculations declared as if facts suggest a sexist dark side even lurks behind his confidence; which in turn suggests maybe we shouldn’t even be reading his advice as charitably as I have been. If the nice guy’s girlfriend or wife is angry at him or thinks he is a jerk, he can take comfort in knowing his buddies think he is OK.

A pioneer in identifying, explaining and treating the Nice Guy Syndrome, especially as this phenomenon pertains to single men and their relationships with women. When questioned about their childhood, Nice Guys frequently tell me they grew up in "perfect,""great," Leave It To Beaver, or “All American” families. Someone else who knew nothing of Glover’s book once wrote asking me my advice about much the same things that Glover wants to address.Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that in general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. This feeling of inadequacy prevents Nice Guys from making themselves visible, taking chances, or trying something new.

This involves eating healthy foods, eliminating drugs and alcohol, working out, drinking lots of water, playing, relaxing, and getting enough rest. The effect is an anemic supply of therapists, far below demand, most of which consumed by hacks, quacks, and sub-par professionals. Not only because it sounds too Freudian to even have scientific credibility, but also because…well, he cites no science for any of it. nice guy groups have come up with a number of traits to consciously look for when creating new relationships.They also reveal that their tendency to be attracted to "jerks" is because these men have more of a masculine edge to them. An integrated man is able to embrace everything that makes them unique: his power, his assertiveness, his courage, and his passion as well as his imperfections, his mistakes, and his dark side.

In relationships, a life–and–death struggle is played out to bounce their fear of vulnerability with their fear of isolation. If you are a nice guy or think you may be, I highly recommend reading this book and doing the exercises. When after all that you still don’t like how someone treats you or makes you feel, leave them; no longer include them in your life.If we rely on psychology at all, it has to be multiply replicated results, high powered results, very strong effect sizes, well-constructed causation studies, indisputably documented phenomena, or the like. In nature, the alpha male and the bull Moose don't sit around trying to figure out what will make the girls like them. He never explains why some kids don’t go this route—indeed, I expect, most kids don’t develop “toxic shame,” quite a lot don’t become “Nice Guys,” and I know countless kids of almost all ages who have no difficulty correctly identifying others as to blame for what they do to or fail to do for them, rather than “themselves. Glover continues with his sexist confabulations when he says this “problem” was caused by a society of single moms and female teachers such that “men became comfortable being defined by women and became dependent on the approval of women,” suggesting the solution is to reject women’s expectations of you, which is actually the exact opposite of what needs to be done.