Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out

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This book was written by a white, wealthy Christian boomer for other white, wealthy Christian boomers who do American things like 'paying for college', talking at length about 'living by biblical money management and stewardship principles' and having existential crises when their children do things like 'cohabitation' and 'promiscuity'. It encourages parents to reconnect with their adult children by paying for their wedding, doing grandparenting, listening and 'being fun' so that they can happily put off interrogating any of the common reasons their millennial children are avoiding them (homo/transphobia, supporting Trump, being racist). Audrey: I do want to encourage parents to read your book and I think it’s good to read as early as you can, even during adolescence or sooner to kind of prepare yourself emotionally for the journey so that you’re ready for it. But even if you have already a 30 year old, you could still read it and get some great insights from it. So, now, when there are new rivals on the scene, in this case her daughter’s husband and his family, she can see that she may lose out. ‘They’ can send you away and you will only be able to see the new happy family from afar; the outsider looking in,” says Byford. There's a couple other comments I've heard on that proverb (22:6.) One is that while the proverb talks about what the child will do when he/she is old, it doesn't mention anything about the middle years. It includes many who wander and who do return to faith.

Jim Burns provides great solutions at several levels: engaging and vulnerable stories, biblical principles, and specific skills. You will change the way you relate to your adult kids for the better." Dr. John Townsend Adjusting from being involved in all aspects of their lives to respecting their autonomy as young adults has been interesting. I've definitely made some blunders along the way and expect that, even with the best of intentions, I'll likely make more in the future. It's hard letting go. It's hard keeping opinions and unsolicited advice to myself. Sometimes I step on toes and hurt feelings, which is not what I want to do. Not at all! So, when I stumbled across this book with its catchy little title, I figured I'd give it a listen. Be encouraging but not intrusive. You are a consultant at their will. Your job is to be caring and supportive of your child, to mentor only when called upon, and to be your child’s biggest cheerleader." People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou

The first thing I'd like to say to parents reading this book is "Love ... always hopes." - 1 Corinithians 13:7. The aim of Jim (and Homeword)’s work is to strengthen and equip parents, couples and families. They believe in strong marriages, confident parents, and empowered kids. Big Ideas We will discuss two principles that are foundational for cultivating a vibrant relationship with your adult children, and it starts with a simple phrase: You’re fired! Some of the difficulties highlight subtle links between a mother’s own experience and that of her children. As a psychodynamic psychotherapist, Byford is attuned to spotting patterns, such as those of Carole, who feared that her daughter’s husband and his family would become closer to her than she could get. Byford wonders if Carole might be over-interpreting events or even provoking them, as in her youth she had suffered with her own mother, who remarried and had two more children, leaving Carole to be sent, unhappily, to boarding school. HomeWord helps families succeed by creating Biblical resources that build strong marriages, confident parents, empowered kids and healthy leaders. Founded by Jim Burns, HomeWord seeks to advance the work of God in the world by educating, equipping, and encouraging parents and churches. Learn More »

Audrey: Even if they’re doing things that are crazy or not right, you can still affirm them and be their biggest fan. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Anglou I ask Byford, who is in her early 70s, if she thinks this younger generation is different, but she feels that this difficult transition has long been there and in fact could well have been faced by her own mother, who had very definite ambitions for her daughter and clearly expressed disappointment at times. Just as adult children are transitioning into adults and parents, so older women are transitioning out of active mothering into the latter stage of their lives. In the introduction, the author mentioned that his nine principles were discovered and refined with his own adult children, which makes the engineer in me cringe a little and say that his sample-size for these recommendations was very small. n=3 adult children I like A. W. Tozer's analogy of truth being like a bird with two wings, that we should balance scripture with scripture because a one-winged bird doesn't fly very well.HomeWord is non-profit, donor supported ministry. If you would like to partner with HomeWord in our effort to help more parents and families you can make a donation. Your investment will allow us to expand this ministry by offering more resources to families and churches in need. Sometimes we just have to take it as wisdom gleaned from years of practice and not a scientific study. Sometimes that's the best we can do. ;) There were a couple of points I didn't completely agree with. For example, he had some different counsel/reaction than I think I would regarding "children not embracing my values" and I didn't agree with his attitude toward the culture and its effect on our children. He seems to think it's expected that culture will influence our children more than we can and we just have to accept it. I don't think it has to be that way, nor do I think it is good to just passively give in.

The Dibble Institute is a 501(c)3 nonprofit that promotes relationship training for youth—especially in the context of dating and romantic connections. Our goal is help to young people build a foundation for healthy romantic relationships now, and for lasting, positive family environments in the future.” HAPPY CAMPERS–full of practical and powerful tools that parents can immediately put into practice–lights a path to help parents nurture a culture of connection in our homes…to help our children become their best selves.” Jim Burns lives where you and I do. I love his practical, common-sense but biblical counsel. And he has a sense of humor to help us in the tough spots." Ruth GrahamAhhhh....my adult children. This is a line I seem to be trying to figure out. Sometimes I think, "I got this," and other times I'm just not sure what I said that sent them fleeing. Which, at the end of the day, is what matters. Because the number one thing our adult kids want to know isn’t what we think of their choices or what we wish they would do. The number one thing they are asking is this: “Do you still love me?”

In his latest book, Jim Burns offers practical, down-to-earth wisdom for the mom or dad who wants to journey through this transition in a healthy, biblically based way." Jim Daly Audrey: Be comfortable with a little bit of discomfort or sometimes a lot of discomfort, which is when your child’s going through a difficult time trying to do something on their own. You know, the innate desire as a parent is to jump in and rescue. That’s not what they need.Bland and practical advice. Nothing new or Earth shattering. Basically "be fun and keep your mouth shut." Why not read a book from a completely opposing perspective to yours every so often, that was absolutely not intended for you, for the sake of curiosity? To give the author due credit, this is the sort of book would have appealed to the bible bashing elements of my family, and if they read and followed the advice in there, a lot of problems could have been avoided. The advice within is mild, generic, peacekeeping and in alignment with the general inoffensive pop-psychology guidance that you would find in a typical airport bookstore, just with an added bible verse here and there. Such as: With this book, I wanted to say to women: you’re not on your own.” The struggles with maintaining relationships with your adult children Doing Life with Your Adult Children helps you navigate this rich and challenging season of parenting. Speaking from his own personal and professional experience, Burns offers practical answers to the most common questions he's received over the years, including: