His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

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This is a simple statement, but applying this principle to the complexities of marriage requires some careful thought. Let's take a look at what it really involves. Best-selling author and world renowned relationship expert Michael Webb gives couples the tool for creating deep intimacy which also fuels the fire for a night of sizzling sex.

His Needs, Her Needs His Needs, Her Needs

Emotional honesty: Reveal your thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes. In other words, reveal your emotional reaction — both positive and negative — to the events of your life, particularly to your spouse’s behavior. When your partner stops meeting your needs in a way that hurts you, you develop a learned response to pain when you see your partner. Intimate conversation is the next step beyond normal, everyday conversation. Intimate conversation is personal. It reveals feelings, concerns, cares and is often emotional. Intimate conversation often occurs while dating, and then drops off after marriage. Most women not only crave intimate conversation, but they need it. Men tend to not need it as much, nor enjoy talking intimately after marriage. The first step is to understand your partner better than anyone else does. This means getting to know what makes them happy and unhappy. Once you understand this, you can start working on meeting those needs in a way that won’t frustrate or anger them.Affection. Her husband tells her that he cares for her with words, cards, flowers, gifts, and common courtesies. He hugs and kisses her many times each day, creating an environment of affection that clearly and repeatedly expresses his care for her.

His Needs, Her Needs. A Summary of the book by Willard F His Needs, Her Needs. A Summary of the book by Willard F

You state “If a man wants more sex, he has to give his woman more affection, all the time”. While I can see that this language is harmful too. As someone who has affection as a higher need, I do not feel like true affection is given if i feel there is an obligation attached. In my experience in any given relationship in my life, an attitude of give to get is not helpful at all. And certainly not sacrificial. But what are the differences between His needs and Her needs? And how can you meet both of them without it feeling suffocating? In this blog post, we’ll outline The Difference Between His Needs and Her Needs in a Relationship, discuss how to meet both while still satisfying her needs, and provide tips on balancing their needs healthily. The answer is, "Very easily," because the attraction is emotional. It doesn't necessarily matter if the other woman is overweight, plain, or really rather ugly. What matters is that she has been able to meet an unfulfilled need. The lover in an affair often turns out to be regarded as the most caring person the wayward spouse has ever met. The straying spouse develops a reciprocal desire to care for the lover at a depth never before experienced.You may be asking why these emotional needs are so important. Several of the marriage experts I admire refers to a concept Dr. Willard Harley, Jr. calls the Love Bank. Dr. Gottman calls a similar concept the Love Map. Dr. Gary Chapman calls it the Love Tank. Dr. John Gray and Mark Gungor refer to the concept in all of their works. Figuratively speaking, I believe each of us has a Love Bank. It contains many different accounts, one for each person we know. Respect: You should be respected as an individual inside and outside the relationship. This means that your partner should always treat you with respect, even if they don’t agree with you or think you’re wrong. The wording that sex is as important as the air that person breathes. This is not used to describe any of the other needs. For the partner who has a lot of hurt around the act of sex (as there tends to be a lot of brokenness here) can you imagine the pressure this puts on the spouse working through sex? Can you imagine the entitlement this may give the partner with the high sex drive? Language is so important, and I feel this could be triggering. Also, if it is as important as the air that person breathes, it is so odd that so many people in adult life are living without air. This sounds sarcastic, but I say it to point out that not only does this language bring hurt within a marriage, but is a little crazy when you think about it in terms of those who are single or living in abstinence

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

This fresh and highly entertaining book identifies the ten most important needs within marriage for husbands and wives. It teaches you how to fulfil each other's needs. Couples who find each other irresistible during the early years of their marriage may become incompatible if they fail to meet these central needs. According to Dr Harley, the needs of men and women are similar, but their priorities are vastly different. This book gets right to the heart of what makes marriages work—the feeling of love. In all my years as a marriage counselor, I’ve never counseled a couple in love who wanted a divorce. But I’ve counseled many divorcing couples with excellent communication and problem-solving skills who claim to care for each other. Don’t get me wrong—I’m very much in favor of improving communication and problem solving in marriage. And I’m certainly in favor of caring love. But unless communication and problem solving help trigger the feeling of romantic love, spouses feel cheated in their marriages and often want out. Romantic love is a litmus test that reveals the right way for couples to demonstrate their caring love for each other. If you’re in love, you are caring for each other the right way. If you’re not in love, you should learn the right way to show your care. This book will teach you where to put your greatest effort to create and sustain romantic love. It is fun to share your preferred recreational activities with your partner. Men will often enjoy playing tennis, softball, soccer, or go on hikes and other adventures. While dating, both parties try to do as many things as possible together, whether they like the activity or not. They enjoy spending time with their love. Once married, however, couples have a tendency to only do the activities they enjoy, often letting their partner spend an inordinate amount of time doing activities solo or with other friends. This separation of activities is a dangerous practice.

Dr. Gottman is well known for his writings about the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse. These are 4 actions that destroy a marriage and lead to divorce. One of them is criticism. Many people confuse criticism with a complaint. A complaint is when you might say “Honey, you said you would take the trash out today. We’re ready to go to bed and the trash is still in the house.” Criticism makes it personal. A criticism sounds like this: “You are worthless. You promised to take the trash out and you didn’t. Why can’t you do anything you say. You’re a liar.” If you are familiar with the concept of the Love Bank, intimate conversation is a great way to make love bank deposits. Men need to understand this and develop intimate conversation skills. The relationship between affection and sex is an important one. You are absolutely correct that there should not be an obligation of sex for given affection. I cover this extensively in my training materials. A healthy marriage should not have such bartering or quid-quo-pro, a this for that. It is also related to my training on requests and demands. In a healthy relationship, men simply need to understand that they need to willingly give a lot of affection. Women should willingly have sex. Not because it was demanded or an obligation, but because it is an expression of love. It’s a way they each can share their love for their partner.

His Needs, Her Needs - Willard F. Harley Jr - SPCK Publishing

Only the husbands income should be used in the needs budget. The wants budget can be met with the wife’s income.As your friendship deepens, you start giving each other mutual support and encouragement, especially in regard to your unmet needs. Life is difficult. Many people become extremely disillusioned about their lives. When they find someone encouraging and supportive, the attraction toward that person acts as a powerful magnet. Sooner or later, you find yourself in bed with your encouraging and supportive friend. It just seems to "happen." You don't intend it, and neither does your friend. Absolutely! Notice the line also says…“when done properly.” It is also followed up with a warning of being abusive. As I've discussed affairs and how they start, I may have offended you, at least a little bit, by using the second-person pronoun. But I used you for a specific reason. While most people would deny they could ever get involved in an affair, the hard truth is that, under the right (or wrong) conditions, any of us can fall victim, if our basic needs are not being met.