Gary Bushell On The Box

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They was no glory on the battlefield. Just grim determination. Corporal Tom Harley coped by deciding “I’m dead already” but he’d lived with the consequences of never feeling fully alive since. THE Bay got off to a disappointing start – Lisa kept her clothes on. In series one, the Morecambe cop enjoyed a kneetrembler with a stranger outside a karaoke bar. Think Tom Robinson’s Up Against The Wall meets It Only Takes A Minute by Tavares. The stranger was the chief suspect, Lisa deleted CCTV evidence, her teenage daughter was delivering drugs (and was pregnant by the killer); her son was a shoplifter...

Bushell Garry Bushell

In the book and the films, they’re are all blond and blue-eyed. The sinister Village Of The Damned movie poster creeped me out as a kid. Think the Hitler Youth with super-powers or the Johnson clan on holiday. THEY often work miracles on The Repair Shop, but I spat my tea out when Dominic Chinea boasted he’d made “an exact replica of Mike’s original nuts”. Blimey. Can he do the same for Prince Harry? DANCING On Ice has more padding than Mrs Brown’s bra. Just six routines in two hours? What a bunch of time-wasting twerps. In fairness, it has become TV’s most dangerous series now, nudging ahead of SAS: Who Dares Win. Rebekah Vardy slashed Andy Buchanan’s cheek with her blade – watch yourself, Coleen! Four more skaters got injured... It isn’t Strictly On Ice, more Casualty on Skates. The show is informative though – who knew sheep testicles were as large and slippery as a Prime Minister? It isn’t all bad though. The best thing the BBC have got right now is Inside No 9. It’s genius! Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton specialise in fiendishly clever, darkly comic twisted tales.FUNNY Nation, on Welsh comedy, featured way too much of Ryan & Ronnie (the Little & Wise of double acts) but forgot to cover Wyn Calvin, Gladys Morgan, Stan Stennett and Tessie O’Shea who made audiences roar. Small Joys of TV: King Otto. Adrian Dunbar, Inside No 9. Alec Guinness, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (BBC4). Sweet Tooth (Netflix). Playing For The Mob (ESPN Player). Half-Italian Luca was the early favourite – Paige was all “giggly and giddy” over him. But he was upstaged by full-Italian gym-Adonis Davide, sent in to split up the couples. At the end of episode one, Loki was recruited by time cops to hunt down an evil, twisted version of himself. Hold on! That’s the Loki we want to watch!

Garry Bushell Garry Bushell

STRICTLY did Halloween last weekend. Not sure how Dan Walker’s lobster claws and Anton dressed as The Riddler fitted the theme, but full marks to Claudia. With no extra effort, she looked scarier than the lot of ’em.

Jan 3. IT was the year the world faced a blood-chilling virus imported from the Far East – but enough about The Masked Singer. Covid-19 wasn’t all bad, for starters EastEnders was off-screen for nearly three months. The ailing soap coped with restrictions by making couples kiss through sheets of clear plastic. Which made sense, you’d have to be sheet-faced to snog Phil Mitchell. As the pandemic bit, viewers embraced big-hearted comfort shows like The Repair Show driven by decency, skill and compassion. But what was hot and what was rot in 2020? To celebrate the stunning highs and lousy lows of this difficult year, here are my prestigious Garry Awards for TV Achievement.

Celeb travelogues can be a breath of fresh air, but not when Miriam’s breaking wind like Jim Royle on a bean-and-stout diet. No wonder the old farts at Bafta love her. Shiv issued a public statement – “a greeting card from hell” – revealing Kendall’s struggles with drugs, and “problematic relationships with women”.

And everything is over-baked, X Factor style, with wild talk of “epic cooking battles” and someone saying “food-gasmic” which doesn’t even work as a pun. The words ‘One Italian Chef – ready to judge’ flash up on screen. It sounds scary, ominous even, but just means “we booked someone as a judge and they’ll do what we’re paying them for”. He’s not hanging anyone. Sadly. DAMI claimed to have “a birthmark-shaped heart on my penis”, not to be confused with a heart-shaped birthmark.

Faye boasted modestly “I’m great in bed” and announced she wants a fella to “rip me a new arsehole”. Bless. Her dad must be so proud. Moments after he was paired with paramedic Paige, Luca Bish asked her, “What’s your favourite sex position?” You don’t get that on Bridgerton. Random irritations: Sitting On A Fortune – too slow, too dull, too derivative. Emma Thompson expounding her eco-beliefs while jetting around on showbiz jollies.LOVED the closing caption on Evel Knievel doc Stuntman: “Every stuntman was hurt in the making of this film.” And Catherine’s remarkable 18th Century rise to power deserves to be told properly. Or at least in a way that’s less lazily reliant on swearing for cheap laughs. It didn’t help that it all felt so... familiar. Prof T is a cold fish who uses hypnosis to solve crimes (as The Mentalist did). He has OCD (like Monk), although not enough to stop him setting his chair at a random angle on the roof. They axed some hopefuls for “not improving” between shows. Well, they haven’t! These puffed-up clowns are barely qualified to judge karaoke night in the Albert.